9:20
9:20
Oh shit. Shit, shit shit. It’s the 20th and I have a freaking assignment due for that bloody procrastinator course.
I can’t believe I dropped almost a grand to have to wade through this bullshit. Almost a week and I am still doing dumb assignments. And I’m gonna have to pay the freakin’ ‘upgrade dues’ if I don’t get this shit done in the next hour.
Jeezus murphy!
Boot. Boot you stupid pile of mechanical shit. I got work to do…
Ok.
Using Method B from the previous assignment, formulate a persuasive argument to countermand the instinctive reactive processes as outlined in the Introduction to Procrastinatory Methodology…
Wtf dude, this’s meaningless crapola. Focus, focus; it’s the holiday money at stake here; you can’t get it back and you sure ain’t gonna earn any more if you don’t get off your fat ass. Now FOCUS.
With your formulated argument properly expressed in Bezier Markdown Language, transfer your thesis to …
Oh fuck this. I am going play Candy Crush. Screw the money. No. No fuck the money and fuck Candy Crush. I, I am going to just write the freaking entries and fuck you all. And then I am going hunt down smarmy ‘Bear’ Lee and kick his fat ass for being so full of shit. Maybe teach him to write, the stupid fuck. Make him pay to learn how to use a goddamn dictionary instead of just making up words; ‘procrastinatory’ my ass…
“Bing”
To: authorboy@writeme.com
From: Procrastinators Inc. <nopro@procrastinator.com>
Subject: Graduation Fees
Congratulations,
You have now fulfilled all the requirements for fulfilling the course. By attaining a proper and functional attitude towards procrastination by Day 6, we are pleased to award you a mark of A- and enter your name in the Honour Roll.
Please log onto the website at procrastinator.com/awardfees and submit the $500 graduation fee to receive your parchment and have your achievement registered in the Registrar's register. At that point you can opt to pay the optional nominal fee of $250 to have the Honours Seal added to you parchment. If you choose not to apply for the Honours Seal, your registration will still indicate your eligibility and you can reapply at any time after paying a small $100 reactivation fee.
We hope you have enjoyed our course and feel the fulfillment that is now your due. And we encourage you to pass your recommendation along to all your friends and family so that they too can feel fulfillment.
Yours sincerely,
Edward 'Bear' Lee PrD
President
Procrastinators Inc.
9:19
Looking at a blank screen
Feeling like I might be mean
Saying nasty blackened things
Edges like my diamond rings
Screaming at the world insane
Trying to gouge out cherished pain
By tearing at their sacred walls
Kicking at their sweaty balls
I hate the twisted,
fucked up way
We slash each
other day by day
Looking at this empty slate
Fucking with my sorry state
Screw you all, and your horse too
your bastard clique or wrecking crew
I wanna grow, do something fine
Destroy your motherfucking grind
—Barnabus
9:18
9:18
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I won’t procrastinate.
I won’t procrastinate.
I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.
9:17
9:17
A Writer’s Guide to Procrastination
Copyright Edward ‘Bear’ Lee 1999
Introduction
In this book we ideal with the 3 major causes of procrastination and show you our 4 step program for identifying the key indicators and eliminate procrastination from your writing life. Over the next chapters we will discuss, in detail, everything you need to do to attain a productive and rewarding writing career.
STEP ONE
Congratulations! By buying this book and signing up for our ongoing support program you have taken the first and most important step to eliminating procrastination from your writing process. Our intensive studies have shown that this step, above all other efforts, will be the key to your success. In fact our money-back guarantee states if you can follow the guidelines layed out in your weekly packets (available in advance for a slight additional cost), the possibility for success will always be attainable even if you fail to adhere to the exacting standards layed out in steps 2 through 4.
It is important to keep your membership current and to access our website regularly to secure additional information to help you on your journey. New to this edition, we have added the ability to process your online payments through PayPal and Google Wallet. This service is available only to our new or current members who have upgraded to Edition XII. If you know writers who have used Editions I through XI, please encourage them to pick up this new and expanded edition for their own benefit.
Before proceeding to Step Two, be sure to read all the materials in Chapters One through Seventeen in advance and spending a minimum of 14 hours on the additional online material. Our proven and patented formula can only work if you put in the work ahead of time. Success in Step Two is entirely dependent on assimilating the Step One materials and investing in your future.
You are already well on the way to a successful career free of procrastination. Good luck and stay updated!
9:16
9:16
“ding”
“ding”
“Ding!”
“Wha?”
“Good morning, delivery sir. Can you please sign here?”
“Wha… Ya, ok. Here.”
“Thank you sir. And enjoy the rest of your morning.
“Ya, whatever. You too…”
The label read:
Procrastinators Inc.
4323 Dunbourah Street
You order it; we ship it. Eventually.
“Awesome. It’s finally here…”
9:15
9:15
Hey man, you ok?
Ya, ya. Just feel like shit for some reason.
Wow, I hope it’s not contagious!
Nah, too much of a good thing I figure.
Out partying’ eh? Lucky guy.
I wish, No, no partying for this dude. I was working.
Working? How’s that a good thing?
And?
Like I was writing, and suddenly I was was like, totally not just writing anymore.
What, you were eating a pizza and writing? WTF dude?
No, no, I was like totally into it. In the moment, subsumed by my own genius, sucked into wonderland… you know… actually disconnected and totally plugged in.
Dude, you can’t be disconnected and plugged in at the same time.
Cut me some slack; I told you I feel like crap. Fricking editorial police. You should totally meet my neighbour; you could have like a million kids and start a grammar nazi army and save the world from democracy and mixed metaphors and shit.
Whatever. So you feel like doggie doo-doo because you worked too hard and now you’re batshit crazy? Cause you were totally round the bend before this anyway; not much of an excuse.
No man, I’m not crazy. I just was so wrapped up in the writing thing I lost track of time and shit. I even forgot I was writing; it was, like, like actually being there. Really believing it, you know. And then I woke this morning with three horny trolls with mega boners dancing the horny dance in my head.
Huh. Sucks to be you. Unless you’ve been hiding some secret inner trollette you hadn’t mentioned? Still, sounds like you need to take a break: too much brain stimulus can kill. I saw a thing on Discovery. Maybe chill out and do something real for once.
But if I part my hair right it covers it.
…but the fans dude, what about the the fans?
Right. The fans. The ones who are all into horny mega trolls and shit.
Screw you. If you ever read anything other than the instructions on the condom box you’d know I don’t do fantasy shit. I keep that simplistic shit for you, you pinheaded imbecile.
Sticks and stones fucker… I can beat your head in with either.
Whatever. I’m going back to bed. I’ll write something tomorrow.
Have fun. Enjoy the trolls. Try not to grunt too loud.
Fuck you too. See ya.
9:14
9:14
What the hell was in that latte? Oh man my back is killing me, I am way to old to sleep in a park.
Jeez what a night; I remember… I remember… oh hell I don’t want to remember. Especially that.
Urrr, what time is it? And where the hell am I exactly? And what in God’s name is that? Is it…. a lemon tree?
9:13
9:13
Friday the thirteenth. Shit. Shouldn’t someone send out a memo or something? There’s a reason we invented the internet after all.
Well, crap; now what do I do? I know better than to push things on a day like this. There are more things in heaven and earth and all that crap. Still, I can’t just sit here and wait, can I. Decisions, decisions, decisions…
I wonder if there’s a Starbucks anywhere around here? A pumpkin spice latte with extra cream…that’ll hit the spot. And maybe there will be a vegan or two I can torment. I gotta do something to take up some time. If I give it 18 hours or so it will be the 14th and past the witching hour; then I will have appeased whatever things Horatio’s philosophy forgot to consider that might be lurking and still meet my schedule.
In the meantime, and in between time, there’s a latte with my name on it out there somewhere.
9:12
9:12
Beaver Morphology and the 20th Century
Kinison, Henry & Masters, A
Published 2009, University of Adelaide Press
p.241
And so it can be conclusively proven that the underlying skeletal structure and subsequent odontological interactions can prevent any meaningful articulation or acts of aural expression from known species of Castor.
Likewise, when studying the more known structure of human maxillofacial deformations that include overjet and other maloclussions where the incisors project forward to such a degree that they are very prominent and obvious we have determined that the presence of a sigmatism is not in and of itself a linguistic barrier and should not be considered a barrier to language development (Fauchard, 1872).
p.497
Traditional and aboriginal tales that include incidents of Castor sp. engaged in any activity that can be subject to morphological analysis have been distinctly missing from their canons. Likewise the failure of any primitive or otherwise mythology to include incidents of the clinical transaction known as reciprocal altruism gads been noted extensively in the writings of Egermont in the late 60s (Alisoun ed. 1972).
It is curious that unlike an average of 97% of the common mammals found in the 60th percentile of human interaction indices (Hopewell and Hopewell, 1982) that Castor sp. is conspicuously absent from any records, whether aural or written, that include any anthropomorphological interaction.
p.626
Conspiracy theorists have long pondered the place of the beaver in human history and those that have dwelled too long on the topic have often been considered the most irrational of their ilk. Their evidence had heretofore consisted of disparate and disjointed cases that were based solely on a district lack of evidence to try and prove their theories.
Presented here we have outlined a logical and historical progression of the repression and negligent inattention to key indicators that have led to our current circumstances. It can no longer be tolerated that inadequate scientific foci and the ill-conceived dominant thought processes of the past two centuries be allowed to continue without intervention as determined by this current scholarship.
9:11
9:11
Rowan rocked back on her heels and carefully wiped her face. From behind her she once again heard Gareth softly talking in his sleep. He had been muttering unintelligibly all night except for that one, eerie moment when he’d quite clearly said “My beaver.”
It was moments like that always led Rowan to suspect that the universe had a sense of humour; or maybe there was a god, not eh big, white-bearded, sitting-on-a-throne guy, but more of an out-of-work hack with nothing better to do than create moments with no respect to linearity or continuity. I mean really… a half-dead beaver, a sleep-talking boy, a huge racket and a mysteriously empty hallway. It was almost enough to to make Rowan want to change into some tiny underwear and a tight white t-shirt and go wandering alone outside with a faulty flashlight.
Right now he seemed to be clearly talking about the lemon tree. Maybe this muttering really was rooted in something important. She smirked appreciatively at her own cleverness. Never an audience around when you needed one.
“Hey beaver! That lemon tree that everyone keeps fussing about. Maybe this is all ‘rooted’ in something important! Get it… rooted! It’s funny.”
“Want me to explain it again?” Rowan grinned sillily, then, glancing back over her shoulder at the sleeping Gareth, she shifted her weight back on to her hands and started to get up.
“No, it’s not and no, I don’t,” she heard in a weak and gravely tone coming from the sheets in front of her.