And on the Fifteenth Day

Well the enforced isolation is definitely over. Carmen sign has been seen everywhere. The world is hunkering down and buttoning it’s hatches. The battens were missing.

Toady I went back to work. Of curse I didn’t actually go cause they would’ve yelled at me, but I was so totally there otherwise. Sharpening my blue pens, organizing my thought-like thingies, and generally practicing my editorial aloofness until its sheen shone so shiny that it basically shot out I to the sky and illuminated good grammar for miles around.

Pete helped. She ignored me like I wasn’t there (because of course I was back at work) and complained loudly about my slothful work habits. Good old Pedro, always willing to lend a paw. On my coffee breaks I finished off the tree. Ahead of schedule. Anyway, it was a great first day sort of back and I am definitely ready for the weekend. Work is hard.

It was a good break. I got lots accomplished if you count nothing as something and some as a lot and a lack of results as attaining goals… and of course I do.

Tonight I will end the night with some bad reality (tv) and test out some blankets and maybe write a long long thank you to all the little people that made my 14 days of iso so mandatory. Stupid. Little. People! World, here I come…

Day 13: Unlucky Day

Like the groundhog is the harbinger of spring, the Carmen has begun to emerge from her hole. Soon all will be good in the world again.

Day thirteen of enforced isolation has come and gone. I’m not sure why the overlords have imposed this penalty but it will soon be over. I look forward to cotton candy (poinsettias), walks in the greenhouses and kicking some donkey ass. So bad prose will once again cross under my mighty blue pen and verb phrases will be reduced to quivering masses of constituents. I will RULE!

And then I can show everyone my new shoes and find out who did what to whom and organize my paperclips and drink bad coffee and put my hair up and check my phone and put may hair down and argue with the boss and be right and win and crush and … oh boy!…Squirrel!

Today was an unlucky day. I didn’t get my tree done and the schedule is slipping fast; must concentrate; must be productive; must note be distracted; must Zzzzzzzzzzz

Huh, what… No that wasn’t me. I don’t nap.

I tried Homesense to work out the last of my Day 13 blues but it didn’t work. Everything was red and green. Chuck in the blues and it all just came out purpley. Blech. I guess its off to see Mr Patrone. He always makes me feel better. And sleepy.

Goodnight Day 13. You suck.

Day 12,000: Get me ouht a’here!!!

I think Carmen is starting to crack under the pressure of forced relaxation. I saw her circling a fir tree… round and round and round. At first I thought she thought it was muster point but but then I realized it was some sort of odd OCD-realted nervous tic manifesting itself with a need to perform wican rituals… or at least that’s what made the most sense at the time…

I’m so nervous. It’s been years. I’m not sure I even remember how. And if I do something stupid… oh the potential for embarrassment is simply overwhelming. I won’t go. I’ll just stay here in my homespun blanket (yes, I have been bored and have too much time on my hands) and hide. No fuss, no muss, no risk of premature mortification.

But what if its good? What if I like it? This might be just what I needed. And I bet it will feel good. It always used to feel good. I like feeling good. So why not; take a risk; put myself out there… I’ve been in here too many days now…

I’ll do it!


OMG. That was so satisfying. I can’t believe how good I feel. Relaxed, revitalized, refreshed. Renewed. I just have to do that again. and Again. And again. I feel so sorry for all those who can’t experience this. Why did I wait so long. It’s amazing how your brain can block out the sheer pleasure involved. Why else would it have taken me so long to try again…

Hopefully we can try again very,very soon.


Well I got a thank-you email from Chantal. She enjoyed lunch as much as I did. Friends are so awesome.

Day 11: And now I’m sticky

I saw Carmen to day earlier tied up in a ball of Xmas lights. I think she’s excited.

Day two of the tree process. I got it stood up and screwed down but after handling that would for so long everything was sticky. Still, after sufficient time had passed I was satisfied that I could make it stand up straight at need.

So on to the lights. I feel if I maintain focus that I will see progress tonight with an estimated completion time of around the 17th. Then it will be on to decorations. Barring any mishaps the tree should be done in 2011…

Still the neighbours threaten to interfere by popping over and “helping”. Stupid neighbours, don’t they understand there is a schedule! And Pete is no help, always whining on about kittens and puppies and tequila…

But no time for that! Back to work… And of course the wine…

Day 10: I’ve got a woody

Carmen must be feeling better. She made a dirty joke…


I woke up refreshed and all ready for some kitten. First thing I brushed some cat hair into the kitten box and cleaned up the cat box… Hmmmmm, I hope the new one doesn’t get them confused. Then I made some soup. It was chowd-der. With clams. From a can. They were cold. So I cooked them. In a casserole. With catsup.

So then I decided to go out and shop for wooden ornament holders. They were all out of coatracks so I decided to get a tree instead. It was green, not unlike a cat. It was prickly, not unlike a cat. I sawed the bottom off it, just like … oh.

The tree is now in my house, warming up and contemplating its wondrous future.


Unfortunately the tree has now consumed all of my energy. Cats, kittens and cole slaw are now on hold indefinitely. My tree will…




Day Nine: A day of rest

I didn’t see a post at all today so I got worried. When I went over it was all empties and turkey bones. Apparently someone went on a binge yesterday and couldn’t stop. It was a very very frightening experience to see a turkey all wrapped in a blanket like if was a favorite child… very very frightening… And then she started in on roasting potatoes… Suffice it to say there wasn’t a lot of activity over there today.



Mmmmmmmm, I love my turkey…


Today I was hung over, I mean hung up, I mean I hanged up some lights.

Day 8: I feel like a turkey

I dreamed I saw Carmen dangling from a balcony last night. Not sure what it meant but maybe its a sign that something Shakespearean is about to happen… Ooh, scary!

Today I a-salted an innocent. Oh make no mistake, I wanted to rub that smug look off its scrawny countenance, wrap my fingers around its neck and pull. But as previously noted I have given up rubbing for lent, so I just shoved it deep into the salty depths so it would marinate in its own sybaritic evil. Then I made toast.


The afternoon was spent on the internet, catching up on the news of the world. It is so hard being on holidays and not making those social connections. Why I bet I’ve lost hordes of fans, likes and followers in the mere days I have been off-line. But no matter, a witticism or two today and they will all come scrambling back with egg on their faces. Egg… get it… scrambling with egg… Want me to explain it again?

I am contemplating this evening however. Is it time to renew social contact with real humans. Pedro says yes; I think she’s a bit bored with my mundane scratches and once more wishes to indulge in the sensuousness of being caressed by her adoring masses. Or is that is having her mass adoringly caressed by senseis? Whatever, she is entitle to her own opinion. I must be careful to not allow myself to intrude too quickly on the real world once again. Who know s what kinds of disruptions might occur if i move to hastily: walls turn colours, furniture move, light bulbs droop from upon high… it could spell disaster for… well, for… ummm, for… Look! Squirrel!


I decided to eat meat. I have learned over the past few years that when in doubt, meat is always the answer. Pork is the panacea, beef good for what ails you, fowl an all-round conditioner and lunch meats for when you need a little mystery to perk you up. Meat: It’s Meaty Goodness. That’s why they call it meat.
I love meat so much, sometimes I try to imagine what being meat must be like. Sigh…meaty meat meat.

I spent a few hours with my meat books going over the possibilities and realized that I had left out one very viable and potent protein source: rabbit. Succulent, spicy, cottontail on spit. And I knew just where to find my little lagomorph… stupid traitorous Catalan she-devil…

BBQ’d bunny is quite the delightful way to bring a long day to a close. sucking on the bones and licking the juicy hare off my fingers. There might be some regret tomorrow, but then again, there are always more rabbits. I mean they breed like… well… rabbits.

OMFG, they are breeding again! Don’t look so scared little one, you are safe from my pot for now…

I closed the day with an hour or so of tv. Pete joined me as we provided our own dialogue to whatever was on. I have to admit the discussion of chenille vs silk was a bit odd as we watched The History of the Jock Strap in the NFL. Still and all it made more sense when the gay wedding dress salesman underlay the rousing argument around the pros and cons of banning cockfighting.

And now off to bed. Night night internet…

Day Seven: You call that a week?

I got a text from Carmen this morning. Something about salty turkey and deep tissue massaging. I think we can all agree her mind is starting to wander. Hopefully she won’t be taking up astral travel like her lazy spaniard or we might all be in trouble: Beware! Carmen could be watching!

This morning started with mysterious bruises and an urge to rub something. Maybe I should have made some dough but I decided instead to run on a treadmill until rubbing muscles seemed a reasonable thing to do. Afterwards, while rubbing myself, I started to feel weird about the whole thing. Sitting there, rubbing myself… At that point I thought to myself that I should probably get someone else to rub me. I wonder if I could pay someone to do that? Then I really started to feel weird about the whole rubbing thing. It was right around then I started to consider if maybe I should drop the rubbing idea altogether. I mean if rubbing myself was weird and paying someone to rub me is weird and we all know having strangers randomly rub you is definitely weird then maybe rubbing itself was just a a weird thing to do. As I sat there rubbing my head in contemplation, I ultimately resolved to give up rubbing as a New Year’s resolution. That would rub out the problem, clear out the rubbish and help define my rubric for 2012. And my skin would definitely be less rubicund!

After all that exhausting linear thought, I was just starting to relax when I had a sudden premonition that something was up at work. I couldn’t quite get a read on it but the next thing you know, this showed up on Facebook:


I knew that Spanish wench had something dark lurking in the bosom of her frilly pink blouse, but I never imagined it would be this bad. Why she’s a bigger freeloading spaniard than Pete! Still I have hope. The lack of fingers ought to hinder her much more than she realizes, especially when Bruce starts harping about keyboard shortcuts. Then she’ll get her comeuppance…


Today’s schedule hasn’t been too strenuous. Sleep, exercise, think, food, read, nap, walk, read, think, repeat. Tonight will be similar but a bit more relaxed with less walking and more drinking. But not too much. After all it’s the weekend tomorrow and I will need lots of energy to… you know… relax. Still all in all, it’s been a good week. And Pete didn’t disown me so I guess I came out on the plus side. But no kittens yet. And I’ve definitely defined my definition of ‘relax’. So I can stop drinking any time now. Well maybe one more drink… Tomorrow isn’t that close…

I didn’t drink this whole bottle of wine. Honest.

Day Six: Home body

Well this one appeared late. I don’t know where she got too but obviously someone wasn’t up bright and early… Could it be that relaxation is setting in? Time will tell…


6:45 a.m. • Zzzzzzzzzzz
7:02 a.m. • Zzzzzzzzz
7:39 a.m • [Snore] Zzzzzz [snort]

Breakfast: Pete was nowhere to be found. I found her perusing a new age text the other day so perhaps she’s taken up astral travel. I’m pretty sure she’s already mastered levitation. Oh well, more mittens for me. Speaking of knitting, I think the looming loom should be replaced by crocheting. I could set up in Bruce’s truck and crochet my way back and forth to the place he always makes me go by enticing me with bottles of wine and then reneging. Why am I so stupid? Stupid truck. But at least I could make some cozies or doilies or maybe a hat. That’ll teach him.

Lunch: Soup. And this time I heated it. Mmmmmmmm, warm soup. I bought some paint brushes last night whilst sleep shopping online but it turns out they were for painting ashphalt. I guess I will have to wait till spring and I can paint that giant spider-eating lizard in front of Leslie’s car. That will teach her… nasty spider lovers anyway… can’t trust them or the spiders. I betcha Leslie wants to lay eggs in my ears too. Sure, sure she’s all nice and pleasant 99.87% of the time and then boom! Arachnid anarchy! But my Lizard Legion will prevail Bwaaahahahahaha!

Mid-Afternoon Snack: It started with imaginary sangria but then I chopped some fruit for a snack and admired my stemware and the next thing you know someone had opened a bottle of Rioja… and so I gave my imagination a break. It works too hard anyway.

Dinner: Mmmmmmm mustard. Nuff said.

Evening nibbles: Well by the time I was sober, I felt like napping so I thought I would catch a few winks in front of the TV. Upon examination I realized that I had months and months of Hoarders to go through on the pvr. But then I realized I had watched them but couldn’t bring myself to throw them away. And then I realized that irony wasn’t my strongest subject. So I watched House Hunters International and dreamed of living in Santiago, on a vineyard, with a Dalmatian (the nationality, not the dog) and my very own llama.

Lights-out Cocktail: Warm milk (blech) and two tylenol due to the changes in the atmospheric pressure due to Pete suddenly reappearing out of nowhere and displacing a large (LARGE) volume of air. All’s well…