9:17

A Writer’s Guide to Procrastination
Copyright Edward ‘Bear’ Lee 1999

Introduction
In this book we ideal with the 3 major causes of procrastination and show you our 4 step program for identifying the key indicators and eliminate procrastination from your writing life. Over the next chapters we will discuss, in detail, everything you need to do to attain a productive and rewarding writing career.

STEP ONE
Congratulations! By buying this book and signing up for our ongoing support program you have taken the first and most important step to eliminating procrastination from your writing process. Our intensive studies have shown that this step, above all other efforts, will be the key to your success. In fact our money-back guarantee states if you can follow the guidelines layed out in your weekly packets (available in advance for a slight additional cost), the possibility for success will always be attainable even if you fail to adhere to the exacting standards layed out in steps 2 through 4.

It is important to keep your membership current and to access our website regularly to secure additional information to help you on your journey. New to this edition, we have added the ability to process your online payments through PayPal and Google Wallet. This service is available only to our new or current members who have upgraded to Edition XII. If you know writers who have used Editions I through XI, please encourage them to pick up this new and expanded edition for their own benefit.

Before proceeding to Step Two, be sure to read all the materials in Chapters One through Seventeen in advance and spending a minimum of 14 hours on the additional online material. Our proven and patented formula can only work if you put in the work ahead of time. Success in Step Two is entirely dependent on assimilating the Step One materials and investing in your future.

You are already well on the way to a successful career free of procrastination. Good luck and stay updated!

9:18

I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I shouldn’t procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I must not procrastinate.
I won’t procrastinate.
I won’t procrastinate.
I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.I won’t procrastinate.

Squirrel!

9:20

Oh shit. Shit, shit shit. It’s the 20th and I have a freaking assignment due for that bloody procrastinator course.

I can’t believe I dropped almost a grand to have to wade through this bullshit. Almost a week and I am still doing dumb assignments. And I’m gonna have to pay the freakin’ ‘upgrade dues’ if I don’t get this shit done in the next hour.

Jeezus murphy!

Boot. Boot you stupid pile of mechanical shit. I got work to do…

Ok.

Using Method B from the previous assignment, formulate a persuasive argument to countermand the instinctive reactive processes as outlined in the Introduction to Procrastinatory Methodology…

Wtf dude, this’s meaningless crapola. Focus, focus; it’s the holiday money at stake here; you can’t get it back and you sure ain’t gonna earn any more if you don’t get off your fat ass. Now FOCUS.

With your formulated argument properly expressed in Bezier Markdown Language, transfer your thesis to …

Oh fuck this. I am going play Candy Crush. Screw the money. No. No fuck the money and fuck Candy Crush. I, I am going to just write the freaking entries and fuck you all. And then I am going hunt down smarmy ‘Bear’ Lee and kick his fat ass for being so full of shit. Maybe teach him to write, the stupid fuck. Make him pay to learn how to use a goddamn dictionary instead of just making up words; ‘procrastinatory’ my ass…

“Bing”

To: authorboy@writeme.com
From: Procrastinators Inc. <nopro@procrastinator.com>
Subject: Graduation Fees

Congratulations,

You have now fulfilled all the requirements for fulfilling the course. By attaining a proper and functional attitude towards procrastination by Day 6, we are pleased to award you a mark of A- and enter your name in the Honour Roll.

Please log onto the website at procrastinator.com/awardfees and submit the $500 graduation fee to receive your parchment and have your achievement registered in the Registrar's register. At that point you can opt to pay the optional nominal fee of $250 to have the Honours Seal added to you parchment. If you choose not to apply for the Honours Seal, your registration will still indicate your eligibility and you can reapply at any time after paying a small $100 reactivation fee.

We hope you have enjoyed our course and feel the fulfillment that is now your due. And we encourage you to pass your recommendation along to all your friends and family so that they too can feel fulfillment.

Yours sincerely,

Edward 'Bear' Lee PrD
President
Procrastinators Inc.

9:21

Another day. Another long blog entry.

Man am I good!

Stay tuned for a better excuse!

9:22

September 21 is the 264th day of the year (265th in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 101 days remaining until the end of the year.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/September_21

Yippee!

[NEWS BREAK]

As the malaise and ineffectualness of his existence grinds down on our author’s head, things seem to be even worse for his characters. There have been frequent sightings of a rabbit at the main Service Canada branch and reports of a violent beaver/security guard confrontation at the small satellite branch in the shadier part of town. No injuries were reported and the paperwork substantiating these sightings seems to have gone missing.

On the corner of Jasper Avenue and 124st a new, and very despondent drunk has started making a regular appearance. For the first few days he seemed to be drinking predominately French red wines of good vintage but last report has him adding rubbing alcohol to Pabst Blue Ribbon and accosting members of the pipe fitters guild.

A young duo has set up on Whyte Avenue busking by playing the tambourine to folksy country rhythms and ‘shaking it’ for all their worth. Every time the police have attempted to interfere they seem to vanish until the young man and woman pop up again a few meters down the street.

Most bizarre of all is the last minute entry into the civic election of a very loud and very opinionated candidate who insists that he narrate all events and brooks no interference from any of the media or organizers. At least three events have had to shut down after this strange character appeared due to the organizers inability to follow the set agendas.

Local citizen groups are starting to organize and it is very likely an intervention will be staged at the north side home of the author in the coming days.

Stay tuned for more…

9:23

The Sun
September 23, 2013

Dear Editor,

Are we a city or a zoo? There is something to the pride we take in being a ‘green’ city but I and my fellow citizens feel that allowing animals to run rampant through the streets has always been an issue that needs addressing — see the coyote controversy of a few months ago — but now that we are having to put up with drunken abusive beavers and rabbits on our streets we feel it has gone to far.

Something needs to be done!

Just yesterday I was enjoying a latte on a lovely little patio downtown when this offensive rodent approached me and started to berate me for being a scum sucking capitalist. I replied that calling me ‘scum-sucking’ was perhaps a bit of a pot and kettle moment. He (I am assuming it was a he from his bad breath and BO) then threw an empty bottle of scotch at me and collapsed in a heap muttering ‘it wasn’t his fault’ and ‘don’t blame the victim’.

And, after all that, as I stood up to leave, he raised his filthy face from the gutter and had the audacity to ask me for some spare change because he “was out of work.”

This is insupportable. We need to send this beaver and all the other wildlife littering our streets back where they belong. They’ll be happier there among their own kind and away from decent, tax-paying citizens who want no truck with four-legged vermin.

I call on my fellow citizens to rise up in protest and demand that something is done. The city needs to act now. The city needs to act decisively.

Pete d’Leo
Concerned Citzen

9:24

Zarko, Castor & Zarko
Barristers and Solicitors

Re: Breach of Contract and Fiduciary Recklessness

To whom it may concern,

We have been engaged by a group interested parties — heretofore know as The Characters — that are currently suffering egregious harm due to certain actions and lack of performance by the person or persons generically known as the author — to be referred to forthwith as The Author — and to hereby assert our intention to pursue legal action on behalf of The Characters to force compliance from The Author in respect to its moral, contractual and fiduciary responsibilities in view of the rights of The Characters to continue to exist in compliance with their established minimal standards of living.

This document serves notice that on a date to be determined — to be not more that 7 (seven) days and not less than 2 (two) days — that our firm, on behalf and behest of The Characters, do intend to file a suit against The Author claiming recompense for losses and harm that includes, but is not limited to, lost wages, mental anguish, diminished ability to earn a living, medical expenses, interest payed to financial institutions and recompense for deteriorated investment holdings that include wine cellars, wooden art and gold stocks.

If The Author or a duly appointed representative of The Author — to be known as The Duly-Appointed Representative of The Author — have not contacted Zarko, Castor and Zarko before September 26 (twenty-sixth), 2013 (two thousand and thirteen) at close of business day (5 [five] p.m.), The Characters have instructed us to pursue this matter with vigour and intent to not only seek restitution, but also impose harsh punitive penalties for the damages and losses that are ongoing as a result of The Author’s negligent and remorseless vendetta against our clients.

We look forward to your response and anticipate a swift, and mutually satisfactory, solution to this issue.

Yours,

Thomas Richardsonii Zarko QC, LLD, MBA, BSc, OC
Attorney at Law
Zarko, Castor & Zarko

TRZ:btk

cc: CC

9:25

“Then the beaver sprang up and…” No. He’s injured. He can’t spring.

“The beaver moaned and rolled over leaking like a jelly doughnut…” No, wrong colour . Although if it was a burnt… no.

“Rowan reached down and tenderly caressed the silky beaver and used her finger to…” Whoa! Porn alert! Okay, no more beaver. How about…

“Edward pooped. Like a bunny…” Aw crap, did that. Still it was a lot of chapters ago; maybe everyone has forgotten by now. Jeez this hard.

“Edward stood atop the hill, while the cold wind whistled through his fur. He shivered, and scanned the field below him. Today the battle would be met and triumph would be within his grasp. Today he would conquer his foes and crush all who stood in his way. Today he, Edward the…” Holy fucknoodles, what, did the damn bunny watch Patton 12 times while I had my back turned. Sounds like Napoleon at Waterloo getting psyched to lead his army to a spectacular defeat.

And where the hell is that damn rabbit anyway. I thought I left him in Alberta. I guess that would make it more of a General Custer moment… snicker… I guess the old lagomorph would look pretty good as a ‘scalp’.

Maybe it’s time for a new character. That’s always worked before.

“Barry was not exactly ashamed of his long legs and angular torso but he always thought it made him look more feminine that strictly necessary. The nose made up for that though; there was nothing feminine about that honker. Still and all, it was part and parcel of being a moose and in the melting pot of San Francisco’s waterfront, he didn’t stand out more than anyone else…”

Hmmmmm, I think I have something there. A moose who loves fresh seafood. Maybe he’s Edward’s bon vivant cousin or… or… the beaver’s love child? Or a complete innocent soon to be possessed by the evil spirit disturbed by an ancient curse. That might explain the bundle of papers: they’re a prehistorical manuscript from alien sun worshippers waiting for the The One to return and become the second coming of the…

Huh. An evil moose. Maybe I should rethink this.

Crap. This is harder than I thought.

9:26

Oh my head. Where the hell am I? Gah, I can’t get my eyes open. I can’t… I…

The armoured dirigible poured fire on his position. The trenches through what was once a manicured urban park made running for it impossible and the only route open to safety led down hill toward the heaviest explosions. But there was open water there and hope.

He raised his head again and shrapnel from exploding trees whizzed past his ears. A sharp stinging sensation in his shoulder made him realize he’d been hit. From a bleeding gash in his arm he could smell better days, the addictive scent of citrus wood and fabric softener. It was time to make a run for it.

Leaping out of the concrete bunker he raced down the steep hill. The incline increased as he moved towards the massive crump holes that separated him from the placid lake and he moved faster and faster, soon hurtling out of control towards the looming wooden wall made from logs and twigs and mud. He wasn’t going to make it over and he wasn’t going to be able to stop. The pain in shoulder flared hotter and hotter and was joined by a searing burning across his stomach as the raging fire on the hillside engulfed him and hid the cool water, that last glimpse of safety, from his view. The headlong charge turned into a tumble and soon he was careening off his feet towards the haphazard palisade that soared hundreds of feet up in the air.

Just before he struck he bounced off the massive bundle of rabbit and beaver skins, all baled up for shipment and he was swallowed whole into their stifling and suffocating softness. No matter how he struggled he couldn’t escape and the burning pain threatened to send him into oblivion. He was trapped, bleeding and close to death and he couldn’t move, couldn’t help himself, couldn’t change the outcome.

He smashed his tail against the glassy surface of the water as one last final warning and turned to face his doom. He’d protected the others as much as he could. It was time to end it. With one last burst of strength he threw the web of hides aside and surged to his feet. The unbearable pain flared and he opened his eyes…

To see a very concerned and slightly frightened young face peering down at him.