Who the hell came up with the stupid beaver euphemism? It doesn’t even make sense. I mean, what is it, the fur? I can’t tell how many bad jokes and sly winks I have to put up with on any given day.

And the tail thing? No that one really has me confused. Just what is it with you Homos? Some sort of grass is greener thing? Figure if you talk tail then maybe you can get in on the party?

Anyway, back to the beaver issue. I had to look it up one day, it was getting to me so much. Did you know that a 1927 limerick is one of the earliest written references to the association of beaver to the pudenda?

There was a young lady named Eva
Who went to the ball as Godiva,
But a change in the lights,
Showed a tear in her tights,
And a low fellow present yelled “Beaver”

And then I found this little tidbit:

“In colonial times it was thought that prostitutes spread veneral diseases through contact with their pubic area, so the women were made “bald” in that area for health reasons. However, their clients did not like that look and business began to suffer. Therefore, pubic wigs, called merkins, were manufactured for the prostitutes. These merkins were made out of beaver pelts. Hence the term beaver. Learned this on a historical tour of Philadelphia.”

Man, it’s stuff like that that makes me glad I’m a beaver or anything else that isn’t one of you Homo sapiens.

—excerpt from The Beaver Monologues; published 2013