Sitting on purple seats bolted to a purple sea
Watching an olive figure against a cement & chalkboard wall.
I listen to humorous wisdom
          to imaginative delights
I thought of words I would like to write
          of words I can say.
I thought: thank-you
          it was more than just a thought — it was a feeling —
          it was a huge engulfing powerful wave of truth;
I knew I had to thank you
          in some way
          to let you know what you have done for me
          how much you have done for me.
Sitting on purple seats beside you — I knew
I knew: that you had set me free
          26 years of life; of struggle
          My mother taught me to be free
                    to be what I wanted, she opened doors
          The world taught me to control
                    to fit in; to keep the door chained
          26 years I strived to express myself
          To free my soul and fit in
          To be accepted, to strike out
                    To make my mark — But
          What if they didn’t like my mark
                    too small, too cliché, too black, too white
                    What then?
Sitting on a purple seat in a purple sea staring at wise olive green
It came to me — I knew — You had set me free
                    What I write is me — I like it.
                    What I draw is me — I made it.
                    What I say is me — it reflects me.
          It’s not for you — although I give it freely
          It’s not for them — although I’ll gladly share
          I do what I do because I want to do.
          I’ve always wanted to do.
                    I’ve yearned
                    I’ve ached
                    I’ve prayed & begged
          But I’ve always been afraid
Sitting on a purple reality staring at olive truthes
It came to me —> I must thank you
                    I must express the inexpressible joy
                    I must tell you the unspeakable truth
                    I have to share with you the unspoken feelings
Thank you: for setting me free
                    for believing in me
                    for the tender lies, the blinded truthes
                    for the smiles and glows, the caresses and touches
Because of you I am learning myself, discovering myself
                    defining & aligning myself.
I set pen to paper —> the first step
                    it matters less about success or failure
                    did Emily worry about rejection; I suppose
                    but see the result.
                    I always wanted to create, to express beauty
                    to share the love & humor in a cold & granite world
                    But I needed approval from that granite
                    I needed blood from that stone
The pain of your music, Beethoven’s genius, Barishnakov,
Michelangelo, Allison’s vice: these things made me ache,
made me yearn —> made me crawl down into cold clammy
                    stony damp caves of suffocation darkness and
                    inexorable doubt.
You have set me free, my feet remain in the
          cool dark mud still, pulling upwards slowly
          sliding back into the safe coolness
Back and Forth
          I set pen to paper: the elusive, impossible first step.
                    The next rung, the new hurdle, the challenge
          Still remains.
                    But I face it — I’ve started
                    Good or bad — happy or sad
                              it no longer matters — I’m free
I wish to climb that tall forbidden hill
          to pierce its mist shrouded slopes
          to emerge triumphant at its summit
          to see clearly ant to be one
I fear this fallacy, I see the contradiction inits success
          Yet I no longer suffer under the oppressive weight
          of that fear
                    I no longer labor under that overwhelming angst
          that paralyzes and leaves you to be sun dried and wind blown
You have set me free
          How: i can only ask
                    i do not know
Thank you — these thoughts slid into my mind, engulfed my reality
                    permeated my truth — redefined my self view
I have always been what I am,
Now I am closer to knowing what that is.

Written after a poetry reading by the great Al Purdy. Its is amazing to look back from 2019 and realize that while I have  torn down the walls many times, they reform again, and my efforts result only in slowly making them less of an obstacle.