Once Upon a Bad Vaudeville Parody
Once upon a time there was an owl named Who. This caused quite a lot of confusion as Who constantly heard voices calling her in the night. As you can imagine this wasn’t conducive to getting anything done. Papers would pile up (as Who was very wise and learned) and household chores would remain undone. This led to skimping on daytime sleeping and the inevitable, subsequent daytime-catchup attempts that failed to produce much in the way of results.
One day Who addressed her problem with What, a friendly vole with a dirty mind (obviously as a result of his nocturnal digging habits and not anything his mother was responsible for!). What’s suggestion was to pay closer attention and perhaps try harder. If she did this, maybe she would be able to solve the mystery and remove the worry of just who was spying on Who (or is that whom?).
So that very evening Who sat in her nest, which by the way was on the ground, as she was a burrowing owl, and much resembled a rabbit hole, and alertly stared out into the night. Just around 2 hours after sunset, she heard a faint “who” come from the forest to her left. Who scrambled out of her nest and screeched “What!” and then listened… there was no response. A few minutes later she heard again “who…” and she yelled “WHAT!” and again there was nothing but silence. Now Who was nobody’s fool and she knew she couldn’t very well just sit there all night waiting. So she carefully and silently made her way towards the forest, listening very hard. Just as she approached the first of the trees she heard, a little bit stronger, “Who… Who…”
Determined to put an end to this once and for all, she sucked in a huge gulp of air and blasted out “WHAT!!!!!!”. Well, several things happened all at once. The first thing that happened was a very dirty vole exploded out of the earth right under where she was sitting. It was very hard to tell in the confusion who was more startled as What yelled “what? What? WHAT?” spitting out tail feathers and fearfully attempting to glance in every direction at once. At the same time Who was screeching and hooting “WHAT? What? what…” with diminishing volume as she attempted to catch her breath again. As if this wasn’t enough, a large grey owl fell from the branches above, obviously very disconcerted and blurting out “What? Who! Who? What!” It only got worse when this new owl landed unceremoniously on top of poor What just as he finally escaped from Who.
So there they all sat, out of breath and quite confused until What crawled out from under yet another owl bottom and began sputtering “Why…”
“What?” replied the strange owl.
“Who …” began What.
“What?” replied Who.
“I said why…” began What again.
“What?” replied the strange owl, who, if you haven’t guessed by this time (like What apparently hadn’t), was named Why.
“Now wait just a minute!” yelled When (a brown bat from a neighbouring wood), “You can’t do this sketch without clearing permissions with United Artists who are the current rights holder!” To which the current trio unanimously replied “PUBLIC DOMAIN!” because, as we all know, it has been over 50 years since the death of Abbot and Costello. At this, When was just a bit miffed, and quickly moved on to another storyline where she felt her talents would be more appreciated.
Meanwhile Who, What and Why had settled into a comfortable little isosceles triangle to contemplate the preceding events. “So why…” began Who.
She was immediately cut off by What, who couldn’t take an more of it. “It doesn’t matter!” he insisted. “Obviously Why had a good reason, who knows what it was…”
“I do not!” retorted Who, “Why would you say…”
“I would not!” exclaimed Why sharply, “I never would!”
“Wait, wait, wait,” tried What one more time. “Let’s just stop this nonsense now. When are we…”
“I’m not answering!” When yelled from the distance.
“O for gawd’s sake” sighed What.
Meanwhile Why and Who were eyeing each other up and starting to do that weird dance that owls do when their grammar gets challenged. In one last attempt to bring piece to the woods and fields, What said “Has anyone ever tried to sentence diagram Abbot and Costello?”
Well as we all can guess, this pretty much put an end to the discussion and the two owls began to parse. To this day, every night, a few hours after sunset, if you listen very hard, you can hear quiet murmurings across the land as Who and Why, watched fondly and tolerantly by What, whisper “hoo, what, why, I don’t know is on third…”, trying in vain to successful diagram what was truly the ultimate in nonsense.
Or was it?
On occasion of encountering a recalcitrant grump
If You Didn’t Know
After years of hummin’ and hawing Leslie and I have decided to invest in property. We signed the deal on a new condo in Edmonton. It’s still unclear what we’ll do, but now there are options. For example, Zak and Doug are still living here and might stay, or we might ship them off to live amongst the non-St Albertian, non-elite, non-high taxpaying crowd.
What we have are options (…and two mortgages!). So herein will lie the chronicles of trying to live beyond our means.
Step One: Decide
Seems with Zak’s imminent adulthood, St Albert is starting to wear. A good place to raise a kid but it really tends to isolate you if you have my kind of mentality. But where to go… “north side” votes her… “Mill Creek” dreams I… Or maybe a highrise, or maybe an acreage, or maybe Highlands, or how about Strathcona…
Step Two: Commit
Well if you know Leslie and I you know this one took about 3 seconds… spend $400,000 on something we don’t need without doing the appropriate research and comparison shopping…? OK.
Step Three: The Mortgage
What can I say… more the fools they…
Step Four: And now we wait…
Why I write
Y I Right,
Right.
I can’t sing
My speechifying has no ring
My wit lacks any zing.
Painting leaves them sad
My colours suck a tad
Brush strokes… well they’re bad.
While I might love to dance,
Even an elephant likes to prance
So in nimbleness, I haven’t got a chance.
Even computers aren’t my mode
You really should see my code
Not much unless you want your processors on overload
So I write
Badly I admit
And I don’t care, not a whit
Cause I deliberately make it shit.
And it you are reading this
Then I would be completely and totally remiss
In pointing out…
On occasion of realizing I’ve lost my forum
Shit people say…
Funny…
http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays
“Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (my mom) it’s a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn’t even real dammit!”
Europe 2009: The Aftermath
So its been a week and a bit and I’m still in North America…
1. I caught a cold immediately after arriving home. Blech!. Its almost better now, but now Carmen has the sniffles and Zak and Leslie are also sniffing and blowing.
2. I took 1700 pics plus another 160 with the phone. Carmen added a couple of hundred in the mix as well. I currently have it carved down to 1651 but I’m still working on it. Boring night watching slides anyone? (Zak has another 1200 I have to sort through…)
3. I’m still tired. It’s likely half trip, half cold. Good news is I’m not waking up spontaneously at 6 am anymore. Blech!
4. Luggage is unpacked, laundry is done but we still haven’t sorted through souvenirs and mementos. Still, it gives the living room a “lived in” look…
5. Work. Nuff said.
6. I’ve been thinking about 2010 already. Too soon? Europe is likely out but I’d love to go sailing again. I wonder if Carmen knows how to reef a sail?
7. No, we haven’t touched the wine yet, but it sure looks tempting…
Day Twenty Three: Enjoycarmen.com
Carmen says: I can’t think in the morning. I don’t have to write until Monday. Zak’s zipper is down. Ow… Mean!
This and much more will be found on our new project when we get home: www.enjoycarmen.com It will the home of all things Moosh. Mostly unauthorized things so Carmen can feel teased and maligned without having to travel to France in the company of hooligans.
This morning starts with breakfast and packing. We are 9 bottles over our limit. Hopefully the weight won’t be a problem.
10 minutes and we catch the bus to CDG and the homeward journey begins. Sigh.
Waiting at CDG with perky blonde girl. I hate perky blonde girl. And I don’t care about anything to do with perky blonde girl and yet I still know everything about her. We are currently arguing about the legality (under french law) of stuffing used socks in her mouth. The bus ride was quick today and the line ups short. I wonder if that is just luck or a function of traveling on Saturday…
We will be boarding soon and I suspect the plane will be rather empty. I have noticed on this trip that there are too many people in the world. I guess it’s a good thing that Carmen’s misanthropic streak matches mine. Still I can’t help imaging travelling with other people more happy… happy people are annoying in their desire to share the joy. As of this moment, Carmen is now apparently “going to hell on a lightening bolt”
Alas no, the 777 is full and the seating arrangements are of course screwed, separating a young mother from her kids. Much to C’s chagrin, half of the perky couple is behind us albeit the less chatty half. But of course she’s found new chat partners… So we get to hear it all again…
One of the things I failed to mention yesterday was the glory and grandeur of Versaille so overwhelmed Carmen that she asked me to rip her clothes off. Being the gentleman that I am I could hardly refuse.
So after I had ripped the ribbon for holding her sweater onto the hanger off she thanked me. She’s so polite.
Montreal. 3 movies later and we’re here. Now we see what happens with the booze. I also noted that my magret is on the restricted list.
Duty is 66%. We had the nicest custom agent ever.
I just lost my original version of this post and now I have to remember all my witty remarks. Anyway, it’s a good thing the agent was nice. She let Zak have his allocation even though he’s still days away from 18 and then charged us for the cheapest wines in the bunch; considering one was worth .95€, that’s pretty cheap. All in alm the total for the wine was $15 and the duty with taxes came to $13. A hefty percentage if that was applied to my armagnac or one of the 20€ wines.
Later when we were coming back through security, Boingy Bunny cast an odd shadow and Carmen’s carryon (the second of her two bags) was subject to a thorough search. Out came 3 weeks of dirty laundry in a heap for all and sundry to gawk at. The bras got hastily shovedbunder the rain coat by the agent which only served to draw all eyes to the unfolding (pun intended) drama… snicker.
One last flight and a drive home and we’ll be done. I’ll likely post this tonight when we hit home.
Ok it turns out this flight also lands in Ottawa. There is no indication on any paperwork that this is so but… AND the movie set is different so I’ll never find out what happens in Transformers!
After much trial I got to watch XMen: Origins. The stopover on Ottawa was too long and for a while we thought weight lose our semi private seats to some boisterous soldiers. Now I’m just hungry.
10:18. YEG Woot and man is it ever cold…
Home, cats and sleep
Day Twenty Two: Pretty People in the Metro
Breakfast, primping and the metro to Versaille. Actually it’s the metro to the RER station and the RER to Versaille but those are just details.
On my first wander through HUB Mall at the U of A, at the age of 24, I was astounded by the number of pretty girls. It’s all a matter of points of reference and coming from Brooks I had fewer points than many. As I ride through Paris at almost twice the age, I am again struck by the same thoughts. It’s not that the people have chnaged, but my perspective sure has and the slight shifts in attitude and dress just draw your attention to it. Suffice it to say that the metro is a good place for people watching.
We are tired today (our last day) and I expect that Versaille will not get the attention it deserves. However my attitude towards the Rococco opulence has never been entirely positive and I suspect after weeks of the grandeur of gothic, that the over ornate elegance of Louis ego might just seem like trying too hard.
***
10 hours later… I’ve changed my mind a bit. First off the main structure was built by Louis IV. Way too early to be rococco for one, way too much history to be all ego for two. I’ll likely write about it later as it’s late and we have to pack.
I paid 9.60€ for 50cl of beer, by far my most expensive beer ever and we had pizza and wine for dinner. Postcards, packing and a quick game of crib round out the night.
Until tomorrow.
Day Twenty One: Surrounded by WooHoo Owls
Breakfast began by meeting Carmen and her naming all the birds she could be. I admit to becoming worried when she decided she could be her own prey. And the die was cast when her owl was more WooHoo than Who…
Our taxi ride involved the requisite too many bags with a women driver who drove stick, cuddled her dog, booked rides on her radio and negotiated French traffic: impressive…
Our wait for the train was relatively stressfree and soon we were aboard. The train was relatively empty so Carmen did not have to face 4 hours of backward travel. Carmen and I played footsie for a cour of hours, mostly due to her ‘hot’ ass and my cold feet… long story.
After a while I finally finished my book and mosied down to the bar car. I picked up some limonade and Schweppes for the lazy girls. Back in my seat I finally caught up the blog and decided to grace L and C with my charming wit.
Now I’m bored.
So Paris Montparnasse. Our third Parisian train station. Taxi to our hotel and discover that Carmen is finally sick of us. Or of Paris. Or of wine… No… Couldn’t be the wine. Anyway, she decides to bail on our plan to invade Les Invalides. We arrange to meet and strike out for our friend, the metro.
I picked the wrong stop and we got turned around until a helpful native pointed out the way. Les Invalide is a 17 century hospital for soldiers built by Louis IV. It houses a beautiful church for the soldiers and the architects build a spectacular gilt-domed chapel for the king on the other side of the altar so he could attend the services without offending propriety. In the 19 th century the chapel was converted to Napoleon’s tomb after his body was brought back from Corsica. We afe back in the real crowds now and it is much more of a chore to care about what we are seeing. Still and all it’s certainly helping me define grandious.
There is also a a series of army museums there. Since we had limited time we opted for modern and traced the French military from their defeat in the Franco Prussian war through to WWII. Unfortunately they kicked us out before D Day so I don’t know how it ends. : )
As when I was taught my military history class by an ex British marine, I am struck by how much of our sense of what happened is coloured by our American influences. This museum didn’t tell a different story so much as emphasize aspects that aregenerally ignored on our side of the pond. For that matter, it also dispense with much of our British influences as well. I would love to go back if I had time.
We scurried back to our hotel and met up with C for pizza and pasta. The place we picked was run by a strange strange fellow who definitely hadn’t heard of the sexual revolution and who’s idea of service was to make bizarre references and whisk things on and off the table. Needless to say we didn’t stay for desert.
Back at the hotel it was blog posting time and a couple of hands of crib. Tomorrow: Versaille!
Day Twenty: Mon Dieu, Seriously
The day started with breakfast. After digging Zak out of bed we headed off for our wine course. For two hours we sat and listened to the history and nature of wine, generally French and specifically Bordeaux. Grapes, terroir, as well as colour, smell and taste were all covered.
The course was taught in a special classroom where we had our own lights and sinks for spitting and also rinsing our glasses. Other than the fact it was at 10 am and only Carmen was willing to admit to drinking that early, it was a great experience. The instuctor was a young Hugh Grant clone who was quite knowledgeable and didn’t toe the pro-Bordeaux line as much as he could. I actually loved his description of the differences between Burgundy and Bordeaux. Essentially burgundy is all about the terroir, while bordeaux is reliant on blends and savior faire. One thing we did learn was the reason that Carmen had enjoyed the sweet white we had tried the day before was not because it was ‘short’ but because of the balance between sweetness and acidity. The acidity helps cleanse the sugars.
Zak had sat the course out in a nearby park, enjoying the French shade. We met up after and headed off for a walk in a generally southern direction. Leslie and I grabbed a baguette sandwich while Carmen opted for a wierd rice mix with veggies.
At about the third shop, Carmen finally broke and started lingerie shopping. I have to say they have a beautiful sense of colour in their choices. Carmen emerged last, denying have bought anything, but patting her bag smugly.
Apparently the French like to be good at their jobs; the shop girl had flicked Carmen’s sweater aside and nailed her size in one glance. Interesting skill to have and one I might try to acquire in case I need a second career. Also in favour of that particular career, is the privledge of barging into the change rooms to ‘help’. I’m not sure C properly appreciated the quality of personal service she was getting.
A few twisty, narrow streets later we came across an olive oil shop with free degustation. We tried a few oils and moved on to balsamic vinegars, mmmmm. I wanted to get the 75 Euro bottle of vinegar, but mean old Leslie made me settle for the € 25 bottle.
Next was the scarf and india fabric shop. Beautiful silk but we moved on sans purchases.
Around the corner we found the Catherdral Saint-André. It was begun in the 11th century, built mostly in the late 12th century with most of the construction complete by 1340. In the 16 century they added monsterous flying buttresses. Inside it had everything a cathedral needed, but I especially liked the green tone of the choir from the stained glass.
We spent some time soaking it in, but after having so many churches to ourselves it was hard to share it with tout les touriste. Still the beauty of a cathedral is that it’s big and it would take a massive amount of tourists (read Notre Dame de Paris) to make it an obnoxious experience.
Inside was a statue of St Anne and a baby Mary. Apparently one of the first references to the mother of Mary (and by conclusion, the grandma of Jesus). There were also some medieval paintings that had been rediscovered in 1990 under the plaster.
The Pey-Berland Bell Tower was built in high gothic style in the mid 15th century but, to minimize vibration, it was constructed as a separate building. We waited in line (only 19 people allowed up the tower at a time) for quite a while in the hot sun. The longest wait of the trip.
While we waited I spotted a t-shirt: “Life is Sailing. The rest is just details”… a good philosophy for life, although this particular trip was more of my Quebec City t-shirt: “La vie en simple: manger, dormir, boise du vin”
The tower is 230, narrow, spiral steps up to the first balcony. Passing people on their way down was, well, interesting. No one died although Carmen and Leslie’s worry gene got some exercise. The resulting view was awesome and the signage about the history of the city was informative. The sign desigenrs decided to put the 14 panels facing the area of the city they referenced rather than in order. This meant panel 3 and 11 might be on the same board, while 4 or 12 might be in complete opposite areas of the tower resulting in a haphazard learning experience.
Another couple of hundred steps further up brought us to the high point, with even better views, narrower pathways and some intimate aquaintence with protruding stonework. Descending the dark staircase was not the disaster that the less visually apt among us feared, although Leslie opted for barefeet over flipflops and Carmen did it in her sunglasses. Luckily passing people on the way down was way easier.
Next was some sorbet, a bottle of Clairet (which we had discovered in wine lessons and had never previously encountered: basically a more red rosé), and an discussion about the state of aboriginal relations in Alberta in which I had the only reasonable position no matter what Carmen and Leslie would tell you. I know this because Carmen picked up the stick with bits of tinsel on it and, while waving it around, she pretended, not to be a beautiful fairy as we were all expecting, but an S&M gnome with her magical fairy flogger. Really, could you take her seriously after that?
Afterwards the walk took us to the Art Deco museum but it was closing as we arrived: once again the girl’s boozing caused problems. I think they are going to have to go into a program when (or if…sigh) we return.
We turned back north, trying all the shops searching in vain for pickle and mustard chips. This search culminated in the big grocery store near our hotel that once again disappointed the girls, but found me exercising my newfound knowledge of wine. The problem with the tiny hotel living is that our purchasing has now vastly outpaced our consumption. I begin to fear the duties as we are way over our allowances. Three or four bottles up we dropped our loot at the hotel and made for the Church of Notre Dame. Alas the wine problem once again interfered and it was now also closed. So Carmen sat astride a giraffe to console herself. Leslie opted for the more traditional moment of sitting on her ass.
Unfortunately for them the old carousel had also just closed, extending our streak of “missed it by that much…” Pizza ensued. Pretty damn good pizza with a sangria apperitif and a Cabernet blanc for dinner. Carmen continued in her carnivorous creed and used the thin crust as an excuse for ham and mushroom.
One thing we learned in booze school was that the predominence of apperitifs was due to the fact that the French almost always had wine with food. Therefore our barbaric custom of drinking wine before eating was not practiced, and the hard core boozers need something while they wait.
More walk ensued, this time north along the quay. And, out of the blue, the friendly natives decided to pit on a display of country line dancing. Carmen wouldn’t dance with me. Leslie tried but polka, flipflops and cobblestones made it less than examplary of our native Albertan talent.
Across the street was the quinceconce (sp?) and a massive monument with larger than life bronze statues. Beautiful but we were tired and strolled by after spending a few moments. Back at home we fired up the fan to move the moist air and I attempted to finish my book. Didn’t make it before I … Zzzzzzzzz…
Day Nineteen: Goodbye Wavy Blue Road
Carmen got up in the middle of the night and rocked the boat. Just sayin’…
I got up to a quiet boat so I put the water a boilin’ and read for a bit. Eventually C showed up with a chocolate breakfast and the obligatory baguette. After we got our ducks in a row (not literally this time) we started packing. I’m not sure how we collected so much wine but there it was. Eventually all was contained but we did find out later at the train station that Carmen’s underwear was playing loose and fancy free.
We dumped our bags in the office, filled out the obligatory paperwork and headed up hil into town. For all that people said there wasn’t much in Le Mas, we found one of the nicest washhouses of the trip, a wonderful old covered square and a fantastic example of a XII century romanesque church (probably my favourite so far…).
The church’s main advertised feature was an original Rembrandt. While beautiful, I believed it paled in comparison to the huge barrel arches and vaulted windows that characterized the interior. Most of the interior walls dated from the 12 century, unlike previous churches that had only naves or columns remaining. The light in this paricular church was beautiful as it illuminated various statues, carvings and alcoves.
Afterwards we headed through town in searchnof the elusive pickle and mustard chips that had been much advertised but never seen. Once again foiled, C settled for a pear at one of the markets. Eventually we made our way back to the port and our taxi arrived to rake us 15 kilometres into Marmande and our train.
The luggage is getting heavier. I had booked first class tickets on an express, so the trip should only be 30 minutes or so with no stops. Our hotel awaits in Bordeaux so hopefully it will be an afternoon of walking and enjoying.
I think we all agree that it’s sad to leave the canals behind. There is a lot to be said to being away from the crowds and the pace and cultural immersions certainly suit the adults of the party. We’ve got 4 days of cities and hotels again, and as Carmen said, if it wasn’t for Versaille, we could skip Paris alltogether. Still, the entire city of Bordeaux is a world heritage site and it is in the heart of some of the oldest wine country in France.
First class is nice and we resolved to give it a try on the way to Paris. Little did we realize that Paris to Bordeaux 1st class was 600+ Euros… So much for that little dream. I guess we are doomed for proletariat class.
Bordeaux station is big and busy. After we’d got the Paris tickets we went in search of a taxi; we found a tram. The lrt system here is above ground slower moving trains called trams. They have no barriers and run through the middle of busy plazas and there is the occasional curb to indicate a station.
A stop a the info booth scored us a map and the location of our hotel. We grabbed a cab, or attempted to. The first cabby rejected us outright once he saw the 4 of us and all our luggage. Our accumulation is starting to cause problems. Once we found a willing taxi, he had no idea where we were going. Granted, Rue Franklin has to be the single shortest street in the city, but it is disconcerting. Luckily I had the map from the info booth and he had his gps.
The Hotel de France was small and tucked down a tiny alley-like street. Unfortunately it was so small it had no elevator and more unfortunately we were at the top of three flights of spiral staircase with suitcases stuffed full of wine. I only made it 2 flights and abandoned the case for zak.
Leslie elected for a rest and a shower while C, Z and I headed for another tourist centre. Bordeaux is very 18 century. Long streets of elegant buildings. We came across a huge wine map and a stranger walked by and pointed out the best regions for vin blanc. We popped into the building and it was a strange mix of bar, wine collection and office. Turns out it is a wine school and wine bar.
Across the street at the tourist place we found all the days tours for tomorrow were full and the Colbert (the battle ship Zak wanted to see) was gone. That took care of most of our reasons for coming to Bordeaux. After gathering some info we headed out and heard the call of the wine. Carmen and I sat in the wine bat and had a glass of Sauternes Chateau Laville. It was a super sweet wine but, as Carmen said it didn’t stay on the palate so it wasn’t as cloying as you’d expect.
After we swung by and picked up Leslie we headed for the old quarter and wandered. We found ourselves on the busy shopping street (St Catherines) with thousands of people and high end shops. A quick glance at the map and a quick left took us away from the hustle and bustle. After a while we stopped for a lemonade and some maki. L’s bottle had a small glass ball in it for fizzing the soda. We found another church which helped settle our jittery ‘city nerves’ and resumed our meandering. Around 6 we found a restarant we liked and resolved to walk a bit before it opened. Around the corner we ran into Place de la Bourse with is huge line of 18 century buildings and mirror pond. Thus particular reflecting pool only has about 2 cm of water in it which drains to a couple of milimeters. Pretty cool (with all the waders, that was a double entendre.
Oh and kites. There I am staring at architectural masterpieces and object d’arts and Carmen and Zak are staring the otherway, enraptured by a kite. Sheesh.
Afterwords we headed back for dinner. At 7 we approach our choice only to be rebuffed: “after 7:30…” So we headed back down the alley to have a pre-dinner sorbet in the shadow of the church. When we finally headed back we were the first diners to arrive. Dinner was more shrimp. It was advertises as scampi so o thought finnaly I wouldn’t have to shell the stupid things, but no… More finger food that was more effort than food.
After dinner we headed back to Place de la Bourse to see it all lit up. The quay was crammed with young people and beer; quite the happening place. A nice walk back to the hotel took us by the the Notre Dame all lit up and beautiful.
We agreed to meet at 9:30 for our wine course and said goonight.















