6:14

“So,” the beaver said lightly. “You handled that in an interesting way. Is that a standard tool-kit item for you, or did you come up with that on the fly?”

Edward, in a slightly smug tone, simply said, “Oh, I have my ways.”

“Yes, yes, I realize that, of course. After all, I have known you, or at least known of you, for a long long time now. You and your ’ways’ are rather famous, aren’t they? Still, I thought I detected something ’personal’, shall we say, in the way you dealt with the driver. Rather ingenious is the way it struck me, actually.

“And that final bit. By the side of the road. A wee bit o’ genius. Almost worthy of me…”

“Almost worthy of you?” Edward sputtered. “That was a result of a finely honed intellect, pure and simple. That kind of enlightenment doesn’t come to every creature. It takes a special mind and dedication to the way, let me tell you. Oh, I’ll admit you are devious in your own ’way’, but with the flipping and flopping of your mental processes, it simply astounds me you haven’t been made into a hat eons ago. Why, I recall one young fox kit that frankly reminds me a lot of you. The trouble with him was he found more pleasure in flouncing and flitting around than in the serious matter of setting and attaining goals. After all, it’s about the goals, the goals and the accomplishment thereof …

“Mark my words, young beaver,” Edward pronounced as he turned his head to ensure the beaver would catch the significance of what he was about to say. ”Mark my …

“Oh, crap …”

 

6:13

The beaver sighed and tried again. In a calmer tone he continued. “Look, I’ve … we’ve … had a hard day. How about we put whatever you’ve got rattling around that brain of yours on hold and we take it up on a more auspicious occasion. I’ve got aches where they should never be and my temper’s a tad bit frayed. So let’s just get on with our day and call pax on this little conflict you’re so anxious inflame. Whaddya say?”

The only response was a slight twinkle in Edward’s eye and more silence.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” the beaver cursed exasperatedly. “Fine, whatever. Let’s get it over with. It’s not like someone’s going to sneak up on us and stuff us in a crate, is it? Oh wait…”

“Yes, about that. If you are quite done, may I suggest we move our little tête-à-tête to a more convenient location. I’d rather not be here when whomever decides to get around to investigating arrives. A relocation is in order and if you have no further objections, I suggest you follow me.”

“Right. Follow. Sure thing, Bucky. Lead on, MacDaft, I’m right behind ya.”

Edward look pointedly at the beaver and agreed. “Yes. Yes, you are going to be right behind me. Shall we?”

With the pleasant image of biting the annoying self-declared superior ass’s tail right off dancing across his brain, the beaver fell into step and head off the road and into the woods.

 

6:12

“And where do you think you are off to?”

The beaver paused, looked over his shoulder at the disheveled rabbit and said nothing, just shaking his head sadly.

“I repeat, where is it that you, in your tiny little excuse for a brain, imagine you will be ambling off to?” Edward strove for as much dignity as his current state would allow. “I do believe we have some unfinished business to attend to — not that I’ve ensured there will be not further interruptions.”

This broke through the beaver’s stoic demeanor. “You!” he sputtered. “You’ve done nothing but hinder me since this whole thing started. You… You… You think that you’ve had anything to do with anything but the abject and ridiculous? Gah!”

The beaver turned his head back and started moving steadily down the gravel road. “Stupid god-damned rabbit… Arrogant little piece of weasel shit… Couldn’t maneuver his way out of a toilet bowl without flushing himself…”

“Ahem.”

The beaver halted suddenly as Edward appeared right in front of him. After a quick flash of startlement passed over his face, he set his jaw and moved resolutely forward, shouldering the smaller animal aside and resumed his muttering. “Only thing he brought to the party was his fleas… Don’t know why I haven’t succeed the local Fudd on him … Might as well be a eunuch in a stud farm for all the good…”

He swerved sharply to miss the rabbit in front of him, but unfortunate failed to notice that Edward had positioned himself by a large cedar and barely managed to dig his paws in to avoid smacking his forehead into the trunk.

“God damn you ridiculous hunk of Hossenfeffer! Stop doing that!”

Edward twitched his ear and pulled it down to smooth out the fur between his forepaws. “Need I remind you again that we have outstanding items on the agenda and that you! are! NOT! free to wander off and continue your smug and self-indulgent tinker in matters that are above the capability of your stubborn, single-minded, supercilious and, most importantly, simple mind!” Edward hadn’t really raised his voice, but the words snapped through the air like the tip of a bullwhip and the beaver finally looked into the eyes of the diminutive creature.

What he saw there made him rethink the instinctive urge to ignore the interfering little rodent, and he started to think through the situation. Not wanting to give the rabbit an edge he spat out the first insult that came to mind while he quickly started to examine his options.

“Simple? Simple like your idea of a plan, you mean. Simple like your inability to face reality, oh lord high-and-mighty mystical piece of rabbit turd…”

The beaver settled his hind legs against the sturdy and comforting bulk of the massive cedar and thrust his head at the unnaturally still rabbit. “I don’t want to know, I don’t care to know and I most especially don’t want to hear anything that is going to come out of your mouth right now. So do us all a favor, wander down some rabbit hole and go play with Alice and whoever else your drug-addled imagination can conjure up and leave. Me. Alone.”

Edward tilted his head and waited patiently.

 

5:24

Edward looked back at the beaver and his eyes twitched down to stare at the beaver’s tail. “I know what you mean,” he replied. Then he shook his head violently, ears flapping back and forth. “Eew. That’s disgusting!”

He rolled his eyes back then glared at the ceiling and continued: “And you, please cease and desist. It’s beneath you and certainly an indication of your innate laziness. Please spare us the delaying tactics and just get on with it.”

The beaver just stared at Edward. “Ummm, yah… whatever.” He turned back to the freshly gnawed hole in the floor of the crate.

 

5:20

The reason for the self-satisfied look on Edward’s face became apparent after about five minutes of gnawing and spitting. The beaver had made a substantial dent in the bottom of the crate; the hole was almost large enough for the smaller rabbit to squeeze through. That is, if the hole hadn’t been on the bottom of the long flat crate and the other side of the hole hadn’t been blocked by the metal floor of whatever vehicle they were travelling in.

“Well, fuck…”

“Now, now. No need for vulgarity,” Edward remonstrated. “There is, after all, still my plan. That is, if you aren’t too much a ’beaver of action’ to follow a mere herbivore with a penchant for thinking things through.”

The beaver glared at Edward but oddly enough got the impression the rabbit was being sincere rather than sarcastic. “OK,” he said finally, “whaddya got?”

“Ah. What I have is simply an application of physics. But that can wait until later. I am much more concerned about what happens once we exit this container. The next steps are much more crucial if we assume we are locked in a moving vehicle of some sort. We could be trapped in a van speeding along a deserted highway. Who knows how long we were asleep.”

Edward paused and took on a lecturing tone that had just an edge of smugness in it.

“What if we are a rail car? Or far underground on a mining cart?”

The beaver started to say he thought this was ridiculous, but the rabbit cut him off.

“What, pray tell, if we find ourselves in a boat upon the ocean or a plane high in the sky?”

“Or worse yet,” the rabbit’s eyes started to crinkle, “what if we find ourselves in a float plane flying high above the ocean? Surely that would be the worst of all possible fates? I think that I could not bear it if that were true, to be trapped in such a float plane. Oh, yes, I can quite imagine it. Trapped in one of those float planes,” Edward’s whiskers vibrated delightedly, “like, oh I don’t know… a beaver?”

The beaver just stared at the gleeful rabbit. “You’ve got to be kidding me…”

 

5:18

“Caroline?”

“Yes,” murmured Edward as he unfolded his stiff body and banged his head on the roof of the crate as he tried to stretch, “You do recall I mentioned that there were other players. Or were you once again failing to listen to anything other than the sound of your own voice?”

“Now, now, bunny-boy. That’s a pot/kettle comment if I’ve ever heard one. You wouldn’t take advice from a hovering angel of god if it contradicted what your big furry ears wanted to hear,” the beaver said in a snide voice. He continued, “I bet …”

“Enough,” barked Edward. “I believe there a few more immediate issues confronting us. Shall we move on?” Before the beaver could answer, Edward settled back down and said, “Did you happen to glean any facts or information about our present predicament either before or after the gas affected us?”

“Gas, that explains it.” The beaver cocked his head and was silent for a moment. “No. No, I don’t think… Well, there is one thing. I thought I smelled aftershave or cologne. I remember thinking that was strange, because I can usually smell only the lemon when it’s nearby.”

“Cologne? Are you sure? I am quite positive that this is the work of Caroline, and she is known for her feminine accoutrements. If she was wearing a scent, I am certain it would be a classic like Chanel or Givenchy.”

The beaver’s only response was a grunt as the vehicle they were in hit a bump or pothole and both his and Edward’s heads banged off the low roof.

“Still, it is unlikely, I suppose, that she would be doing this alone. She is unnaturally terrified of all things natural. An abduction of two ’animals’ in the middle of the woods would be rather unlike her.”

“Hey,” the beaver snarled, “Speak for yourself. Animal.”

Edward’s face quirked into a bitter smile. “Indeed.”

 

5:17

The beaver awoke in a box. It was dark, damp and bouncing up and down. It was obvious he was in some sort of vehicle. He tried turning around but something was on his tail. Peering over his shoulder he realized it was that interfering rabbit. Anger momentarily rose up: if it hadn’t been for the rabbit’s stupid intrusion into my affairs I’d not been this stupid box, he growled to himself. Gah.

With Edward still unconscious on his tail it was hard to tell how much room was left in their little wooden crate, but with a little effort he succeeded in pushing the limp rabbit off his tail and managed to turn around. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light filtering through cracks in the wood, he saw that he and the rabbit were in a long, low wooden box about a metre long, but not tall enough for him to stand properly.

The beaver pushed again and settled Edward in the far corner so that the beaver could move around without interference. Now, just where the hell am I? he thought. And for that matter, where the hell are we going?

“And who the hell did this?” he asked the pile of rabbit fur in the corner rhetorically.

“I believe her name is Caroline,” the pile replied quietly.