MacBlaze’s Weekly Tweets for 2011-12-11

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Day 8: I feel like a turkey

I dreamed I saw Carmen dangling from a balcony last night. Not sure what it meant but maybe its a sign that something Shakespearean is about to happen… Ooh, scary!

Today I a-salted an innocent. Oh make no mistake, I wanted to rub that smug look off its scrawny countenance, wrap my fingers around its neck and pull. But as previously noted I have given up rubbing for lent, so I just shoved it deep into the salty depths so it would marinate in its own sybaritic evil. Then I made toast.

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The afternoon was spent on the internet, catching up on the news of the world. It is so hard being on holidays and not making those social connections. Why I bet I’ve lost hordes of fans, likes and followers in the mere days I have been off-line. But no matter, a witticism or two today and they will all come scrambling back with egg on their faces. Egg… get it… scrambling with egg… Want me to explain it again?

I am contemplating this evening however. Is it time to renew social contact with real humans. Pedro says yes; I think she’s a bit bored with my mundane scratches and once more wishes to indulge in the sensuousness of being caressed by her adoring masses. Or is that is having her mass adoringly caressed by senseis? Whatever, she is entitle to her own opinion. I must be careful to not allow myself to intrude too quickly on the real world once again. Who know s what kinds of disruptions might occur if i move to hastily: walls turn colours, furniture move, light bulbs droop from upon high… it could spell disaster for… well, for… ummm, for… Look! Squirrel!

***

I decided to eat meat. I have learned over the past few years that when in doubt, meat is always the answer. Pork is the panacea, beef good for what ails you, fowl an all-round conditioner and lunch meats for when you need a little mystery to perk you up. Meat: It’s Meaty Goodness. That’s why they call it meat.
I love meat so much, sometimes I try to imagine what being meat must be like. Sigh…meaty meat meat.

I spent a few hours with my meat books going over the possibilities and realized that I had left out one very viable and potent protein source: rabbit. Succulent, spicy, cottontail on spit. And I knew just where to find my little lagomorph… stupid traitorous Catalan she-devil…

BBQ’d bunny is quite the delightful way to bring a long day to a close. sucking on the bones and licking the juicy hare off my fingers. There might be some regret tomorrow, but then again, there are always more rabbits. I mean they breed like… well… rabbits.

OMFG, they are breeding again! Don’t look so scared little one, you are safe from my pot for now…

I closed the day with an hour or so of tv. Pete joined me as we provided our own dialogue to whatever was on. I have to admit the discussion of chenille vs silk was a bit odd as we watched The History of the Jock Strap in the NFL. Still and all it made more sense when the gay wedding dress salesman underlay the rousing argument around the pros and cons of banning cockfighting.

And now off to bed. Night night internet…

Day Seven: You call that a week?

I got a text from Carmen this morning. Something about salty turkey and deep tissue massaging. I think we can all agree her mind is starting to wander. Hopefully she won’t be taking up astral travel like her lazy spaniard or we might all be in trouble: Beware! Carmen could be watching!

This morning started with mysterious bruises and an urge to rub something. Maybe I should have made some dough but I decided instead to run on a treadmill until rubbing muscles seemed a reasonable thing to do. Afterwards, while rubbing myself, I started to feel weird about the whole thing. Sitting there, rubbing myself… At that point I thought to myself that I should probably get someone else to rub me. I wonder if I could pay someone to do that? Then I really started to feel weird about the whole rubbing thing. It was right around then I started to consider if maybe I should drop the rubbing idea altogether. I mean if rubbing myself was weird and paying someone to rub me is weird and we all know having strangers randomly rub you is definitely weird then maybe rubbing itself was just a a weird thing to do. As I sat there rubbing my head in contemplation, I ultimately resolved to give up rubbing as a New Year’s resolution. That would rub out the problem, clear out the rubbish and help define my rubric for 2012. And my skin would definitely be less rubicund!

After all that exhausting linear thought, I was just starting to relax when I had a sudden premonition that something was up at work. I couldn’t quite get a read on it but the next thing you know, this showed up on Facebook:

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I knew that Spanish wench had something dark lurking in the bosom of her frilly pink blouse, but I never imagined it would be this bad. Why she’s a bigger freeloading spaniard than Pete! Still I have hope. The lack of fingers ought to hinder her much more than she realizes, especially when Bruce starts harping about keyboard shortcuts. Then she’ll get her comeuppance…

Phew.

Today’s schedule hasn’t been too strenuous. Sleep, exercise, think, food, read, nap, walk, read, think, repeat. Tonight will be similar but a bit more relaxed with less walking and more drinking. But not too much. After all it’s the weekend tomorrow and I will need lots of energy to… you know… relax. Still all in all, it’s been a good week. And Pete didn’t disown me so I guess I came out on the plus side. But no kittens yet. And I’ve definitely defined my definition of ‘relax’. So I can stop drinking any time now. Well maybe one more drink… Tomorrow isn’t that close…


I didn’t drink this whole bottle of wine. Honest.

Day Six: Home body

Well this one appeared late. I don’t know where she got too but obviously someone wasn’t up bright and early… Could it be that relaxation is setting in? Time will tell…

—B

6:45 a.m. • Zzzzzzzzzzz
7:02 a.m. • Zzzzzzzzz
7:39 a.m • [Snore] Zzzzzz [snort]

Breakfast: Pete was nowhere to be found. I found her perusing a new age text the other day so perhaps she’s taken up astral travel. I’m pretty sure she’s already mastered levitation. Oh well, more mittens for me. Speaking of knitting, I think the looming loom should be replaced by crocheting. I could set up in Bruce’s truck and crochet my way back and forth to the place he always makes me go by enticing me with bottles of wine and then reneging. Why am I so stupid? Stupid truck. But at least I could make some cozies or doilies or maybe a hat. That’ll teach him.

Lunch: Soup. And this time I heated it. Mmmmmmmm, warm soup. I bought some paint brushes last night whilst sleep shopping online but it turns out they were for painting ashphalt. I guess I will have to wait till spring and I can paint that giant spider-eating lizard in front of Leslie’s car. That will teach her… nasty spider lovers anyway… can’t trust them or the spiders. I betcha Leslie wants to lay eggs in my ears too. Sure, sure she’s all nice and pleasant 99.87% of the time and then boom! Arachnid anarchy! But my Lizard Legion will prevail Bwaaahahahahaha!

Mid-Afternoon Snack: It started with imaginary sangria but then I chopped some fruit for a snack and admired my stemware and the next thing you know someone had opened a bottle of Rioja… and so I gave my imagination a break. It works too hard anyway.

Dinner: Mmmmmmm mustard. Nuff said.

Evening nibbles: Well by the time I was sober, I felt like napping so I thought I would catch a few winks in front of the TV. Upon examination I realized that I had months and months of Hoarders to go through on the pvr. But then I realized I had watched them but couldn’t bring myself to throw them away. And then I realized that irony wasn’t my strongest subject. So I watched House Hunters International and dreamed of living in Santiago, on a vineyard, with a Dalmatian (the nationality, not the dog) and my very own llama.

Lights-out Cocktail: Warm milk (blech) and two tylenol due to the changes in the atmospheric pressure due to Pete suddenly reappearing out of nowhere and displacing a large (LARGE) volume of air. All’s well…

Day Five: Tired. But not the rubber kind.

Wow. I can’t believe this isn’t getting tedious. As Devo says, “How long can this go on?”

Finally a good night sleep. But boy did I have some bizarre dreams. Trolls, hairless muppets, a giant kitten and a jacuzzi [shudder], but still, a small price to pay.

Pete seems to be coming along. The first few mornings I need my eye patch because the overzealous eye poking. I was switching from eye to eye to provided some relief. Wow, any more appliances while I sleep and people and going to think I am a vampire cyborg… Cybor G H-chuk, yup that’s me. Anyway, Pete’s back to eyebrow grooming so I guess she’s forgiven me for invading her space.

Today is a day of rest. It’s been a busy week so far what with not thinking, not working and definitely not checking my email. Not doing things takes a lot out of a girl. So to relax I think I will not do anything; because that makes sense in the context of my previous statement. And you know how I like to make sense. Or at least make cents. That’s why I do what I do. Because I prefer good cents. To bucks. Or doe’s. Or any ungulate for that matter. A grizzly bear on the other hand would be nice, but I have Leslie for that; and she has a COD.

First on the agenda to not do is definitely the Xmas lights. I’ve got to take it slow; put in too much time and thought already and I have the neighbours to win and crush. Next to definitely avoid will be my tree. Of course I could work on my plans for the tree. That might provide more drinking time, but I think it would throw of the aesthetic of the evening. No, I will definitely wait to think tree when I have a tree (and a bottle or two of wine).

***

As the sun starts to set it occurs to me that I need a drink. I’m out of both Amarone and cooking sherry so I think its time to break out the beer. Maybe I should visit my parents or Craig or Bruce or… I wonder George Thorogood is doing… he likes to drink alone. Maybe I should buy some new bar stools, made from laminate, they really are just art, but what colour should I paint the next wall, and if I paint the wall while wall-eyed, will it warp, weave and wonk. Oh Whatever. Squirrel!

By the time the bottle lets all its contents leak out the hole I feel pretty good. Now I just need a quilt, comforter and throw to wind up the evening and bask in the glow of staying up past 8. Good for me…

Day Four: Flights of Fantasy

All right let’s admit it. There is no way Carmen could consciously be writing these things. It’s too fantastical even for her. But they have to coming from somewhere. Maybe her subconscious is bleeding over the wireless network. Maybe Pedro is really a Russian mob hacker on a mission to brainwash the populace of Canada in a wild attempt to corner the petfood market. Maybe Craig is emailing them to a mole in my organization. But whatever it is it’s very, very interesting…

I woke up in mid air. Not too unusual until you consider it was 11 a.m. I found that kind of odd because usually when I wake up it’s more like 4:39 a.m. and if I wake up mid air it’s usually after a particularly vigorous night of drinking (or appreciating the finer things in life as I like to call it). Still, it looked to be mildly interesting and as my holidays so far had been three quarters full of the wrong things and leaking the right things from all the holes in my logic, it seemed I might as well finish waking up and pay attention.

Unfortunately I hadn’t been paying attention as I was mid thought on a stream-of-consciousness flow relating to my nieces’ infatuation with electronic, overpriced, self-immolating rebellion against my brother’s wife’s odd sense of teenage propriety, and I had no idea how I had gotten to where I was. And that’s why we need more moderation in changes to our geographical surroundings. Too much rerouting results in ridiculous amounts of regional roaming. Where was I? Oh, right, asking myself where I was.


Just where the hell was I?

So maybe I was away, which would explain why I was not there. That made sense to me. But where had I gone? Didn’t recognize the cutlery, the bath sheets were more like scarves and there was that particular picture of the skirt and legs. Aha! I was in the Turks and Caicos with a bunch of turkeys and caics… or was that cocks? Nevertheless, it was all obvious now. I was on holidays with meat. Meaty meatness. Juicy, chewy holiday meat served fresh from the meat server thing daily.

Now I just had to figure out where Pedro was before the omnivore turned carnie.

Landing in a pile of quilts, blankets, muppet skins and sheep remnants, I rolled over and decided that the day was upon me. Nap time.

***

Since we have determined I wasn’t at home, I wasn’t away. I wasn’t asleep and I was most definitely not awake in any reality sense then I guess I must be having fun. That was the the only sensible conclusion to the known facts. It also explained the crick in my neck, but that is another story which I could tell you but would make me seem non-linear and I know how you hate that. Fun. Huh. Odd.

Anyway. I ended my day at my loom, weaving a new sarape for Pedro to replace her old tattered one she wore out when she was living on the street… oh…that hasn’t happened… yet. And as 7:29 crawled around and the yawns filled the bathtub, I rolled over burbled goodnight dick and drifted off to sleeee…

Day Three: Furry thoughts

As this was Carmen’s first real day off I wondered if the strangeness would continue. Well it did. And as strangeness goes, well let’s just say she’s her usual overachiever. Carmen, there is no prize for crazy… no need to crush and win dear …

Morning equals bunnies. Pete and I awoke and looked at the treadmill for a while. It didn’t seem too lonely so we wandered off to watch rabbits. I thought maybe this would put the lion at ease when she finally realized she didn’t have the house to herself for the day. No rabbits but I did see my neighbor drive off to that place…you know…with all the crazy people…that place. Oh well, not my problem.

As soon as the bunny watch was over Pete disappeared to go imperialize the flannel duvet. I warned her not to get too comfortable but she didn’t listen. Isn’t she going to be surprised.

So today Ms Migennes and I packed up and headed down to the Humane Society to see us some Jelly Belly. After arrival we wandered into the kitten room and immediate forgot why we were there as we played and played on the kitty ladder. Pete was a bit offended at first by my skillful clambering but eventually she got over it. The intention to acquire 3-4 kittens and cats was lost in the moment. When staff finally kicked us out at closing time we were tuckered but happy and a bit confused why we hadn’t picked up any extra mouths to feed.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow. It’s cold out today.

I wonder if I should work today. Maybe hang some lights or fabricate a small loom from popsicle sticks. Still and all I think I shall head to the rabbit hole and look for rabbits. Rabbits are fun and its way better than counting sheep… mmmm …sheep… sleep… zzzzzz

MacBlaze’s Weekly Tweets for 2011-12-04

  • That wait illuminates an issue with #ebooks RT @lcnve: went on a bit of a @kobo shopping spree today! can't wait to go home & synch & read! #
  • Mmmm RT @EnjoyCentre: Learn the art of Amuse Bouche Thursday at Hillaby's Tools for Cooks @enjoycentre http://t.co/GA9kMovD #yegfood #
  • RT @HolesOnline: It's Christmas blue! RT @EnjoyCentre: Feeding time in the poinsettia range! http://t.co/U5EXUa83 #
  • Mmmmm RT @yalumba: Popcorn and Riesling for dinner. Too easy. Too tasty. #wine #
  • Still trying to work out scheduled updates: Hootsuite vs. Tweetdeck… #
  • 🙂 RT@MargyGi: dear santa, i would like almost everything from @typebooks, please #
  • Mmmmmm, beer! @YellowheadBeer: View from the keg mobile http://t.co/uDleR4dI #
  • RT @DeathStarPR: A man walks into a bar on Alderaan and then his planet explodes. #ImperialJokes #StarWars #
  • Why, if I go to Chapters, are all the sci-fi books organized neatly w/ spinoff crap at the end, but Kobo is one big pile of disorganized… #
  • Crap! With who knows what festering pile of sh*t like Barbarian Prince: The Love Story, mixed in to make it really frustrating. #ItSucks #

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Day Two: Walls are all around

So once again the words appear. They software isn’t even holding them for moderation. And from what I can tell, they need some moderation. A mind is a scary place…

–B

Apparently the winter-like conditions outside are going to continue to cause a distinct lack of warmth during the evenings. And the lazy Spaniard’s no help: she’s cowering under the flannel sheets.

I woke up last night and realized I had walls. Lots of walls. I wonder if I should paint them? Or maybe buy some art? Or maybe go back to sleep?

Today had cooking in it. A warm stove on a cold day is a great way to make sure I don’t hang any Christmas lights and it has the added benefit of keeping Pedro from getting too suspicious. I have been getting the cat eye, as if she suspects something. Maybe I will have to casually suggest she visit the farm before she starts feeling threatened. That way she can visit mama and I can save some skin. Hmmmmm.

What should I cook next? This looks good:

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Maybe tomorrow. It’s too cold today.

I wonder what Bruce and Leslie are doing. Something exciting involving trolls and book jackets I bet. They never invite me over to play with trolls. I guess it’s something they just don’t want to talk about? I mean trolls are pretty private. I wonder if I can get some… not from Ruche I’ll tell you, stupid store doesn’t know what priority shipping means. If I ordered trolls from them they’d probably show up looking more like mummies. Wrapped in linen. Fabricland has great prices on chiffons these days. I should make cake. Squirrel!

And look. I didn’t get my furniture away yet. Isn’t it pretty?

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Blue, white, blue-blue, white… I wonder if that turkey is still available. I should get Bruce to pick it up. But he doesn’t want to be bothered. But he shouldn’t mind doing me a favor. But he can get so owly… even without the pants. I bet he uses my mug. Stupid Bruce, even sounds like Ruche. I wonder where the stapler is?

There are some great seat sales on to Canadian destinations. Maybe I can visit in Victoria. Or visit Tiff in Toronto. I suppose I could convince Craig to caper to Calgary for a couple of… naw. Maybe tomorrow. It’s too cold today.

I wonder of I should posting holiday updates on my Facebook page? Well, a few too many work people might see it and then they comment, and I’d read it, and then I’d think about it, and they’d wonder why I didn’t comment back, and I’d wonder why there so much pressure, and then I’d have to check which bra am I wearing anyway…? Oh, that one. That’s ok then.

Day two’s been pretty dull. But I am definitely staying out of my bed until at least 7. Absolutely. No exceptions! Zzzzzzzzz…

Day One: Transformed

Note: The following mysteriously appeared on my blog. It appears to be a blog entry about Carmen’s holiday. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. It’s a mystery. A mystery dammit! And we just shouldn’t enquire any deeper into the matter.

—B

I awoke this morning (or more correctly, late last night) tired and a bit confused. What was I doing? Just what was this holiday thing?

Through all the fuzzy thoughts, only one thing was clear… I needed to blog my days off so all and sundry would be able to vicariously follow along. But how was to do that, how could I use technology and still be able to relax? They almost seemed antithetical concepts to me. Le sigh.

But after a stern talking to from Pete, I realized I must find a way. I must reach out with my massive mental power of persuasion and make it so. So, here we are… The Official C-Notes.

Today I awoke and ran in the wee hours. After a relaxing 30 minutes of worrying and fretting I wandered upstairs to try and explain to Pete that she might have to share a bit more in the coming weeks.

Later I tried to ignore the amusing email from Bruce, but it was too amusing so I gave in and responded. That set off a chain of thought that made me realize it was time to get out and about. So I out and abouted. HomeSense makes so much sense.

Upon my return I considered working on my unfinished magnum opus so I started to do laundry. After not putting away my lawn furniture I realized that the boxes in my garage weren’t flat yet. Later I plan to watch a bit of tv, but for now I will try to ignore the strange girl in my kitchen.

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I noticed the snow mysteriously disappeared from my back stoop. Stoop is an odd word. Squirrel!

And now it is night, or at least dark. Day One has gone so well except for those pesky emails; good thing I at least deleted my work account. wouldn’t want my boss to divert them or something.So maybe tomorrow or Monday I will meet Taryn at 8:20 and walk around the lake. The lake is round and thus it is a perfect shape for walking around.

All I know is I absolutely, positively will not be in bed by 6. Absolutely not. Oh wait… … sigh.