Turn it sideways and it’s a tunnel?

Three drums and cymbal fell off a cliff: ba-dum bum bum… crash.

As previously mentioned I have a manilla envelope full of pre-internet jokes all typewritten…on a typewriter. Some of them I can’t ever post here (Indian Job Application, Polish Vacation Itinerary) because they are just too dated and too -ist—by which I mean so very not politically correct or even acceptable. But  few still make me smile. They seem to all be predicated on the classic ‘misunderstanding.’ So here’s a typical one with a boat theme. (I left the typos in!)

Once there was twin bothers named Jack and Jim. Jack was married; but Jim was single and the proud owner of an old boat. Disaster struck them both on the same day. Jack’s wife died and Jim’s boat sank. A few days later a friend mistaked Jim for Jack and offered his sympathies saying “You must feel terrible.” Jim replied “Oh. not really. She was a wreck from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and smelled like dead fish. The first time I got in her, she made water faster than anything I’ve ever seen. There was a bad crack in her back, and a pretty big hole in her front. The hole got bigger everytime I used her, and she leaked like crazy. But what finnished her was these five guys I know who borrowed her and I told them she wasn’t very good, but they said they’d take a chance with her anyhow. So I rented her out. Then the crazy fools tried to get into her all at once. It was too much for her and she cracked right in the middle.” At this point the friend fainted.





The Wayside Chapel

One of my old favorites…


An English lady was visiting Switzerland. She needed a room and stopped the school master to see if he could recommend one. He took her to see several rooms. When everything was settled she returned home to make preparations for the move. When she got home she realized that she had not asked if there was a W. C. (Wash-room). She promptly wrote a letter to the school master asking if there was a W.C. around. The Swiss school master was a very poor-student in English, and asked the Parish Priest if he could find out the meaning of W. C. They finally decided that it meant Wayside Chapel. The school master then wrote the following letter to the lady:

Dear Madam:

I take great pleasure in informing you that a W.C. is situated nine miles from the house in the centre of a beautiful grove of?pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 200 people and is opened Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a number of people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is plenty of standing room. This is unfortunate, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no doubt, be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunches and make a day of it.

I would recommend your ladyship to go on a Thursday when there is an organ accompaniment and the acoustics are excellent. Even the most delicate sounds may be heard.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C. and in fact, that is where she met her husband. I can still remember the rush for seats. There must of been ten people to a seat usually occupied by one. I can still remember the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It tolls whenever someone enters.

A bazaar is going to be held to provide seats for all. Since the people feel that there has long been a need for them. My wife is very delicate and she can not go often. It’s been almost a year since she last went. Naturally it pains her very much not to go more often. I shall save the best seat for you, where you can be seen by all. For the children there is a special time and place so they will not disturb the others.

Hoping to have been some help to you
I remain,

Yours truly,

Old, Old Jokes – The New Priest

When I was a kid I collected the old typewritten, often off-colour, jokes that circulated. I came across the pile the other day and thought I’d add them for posterity. Some of these are pretty juvenile, and most are definitely not politically correct…

The New Priest

The new priest was saying his first Mass but he was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the Mass he asked the Monseigneur for an opinion. The Monseigneur suggested that as he was so nervous, he should put a little gin or vodka in his water glass for his Mass the following Sunday.

The next Sunday, the priest did as he was told and added some gin to his water glass. He talked up a storm.

Once again he asked the Monseigneur for his opinion. The Monseigneur replied he did just fine, but there were a few things that he should get straight:
1. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
2. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
3. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
4. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late, great J.C.
5. The next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
6. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not to be referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.